You Know You’ve Got A Newborn When…

So you’ve became a mother. Congratulations. Welcome to the least exclusive club in the world.


  1. You spend most of your day sat on the sofa flashing at visitors.
  2. Your maternity jeans won’t stay up and your old jeans won’t go on.
  3. Your baby is passed around visitors like a spliff.
  4. You walk around the house with a muslin cloth constantly draped over your shoulder, just in case.
  5. You have carpal tunnel syndrome due to hours spent dangling your arm into the moses basket.
  6. You discover a sudden ability to do EVERYTHING one-handed.  Seriously… who needs left hands??
  7. You’re forever sending your husband to the chemist to purchase another pack of industrial-sized maternity pads, the kind that make you look two inches taller when sitting down.
  8. Your sofa functions as a full-blown dairy.
  9. Underwired bras are distant relics.
  10. An umbrella is about as useful to you as a pair of crotchless panties.
  11. You haven’t slept more than two hours for almost ten days.
  12. Cabbages are the new lingerie.
  13. You look like you’re about to win a wet t-shirt competition.
  14. You shed more hair than the cat.
  15. Projectile wee and poo are a normal part of your daily routine.
  16. You discover that the shower doubles as an effective bidet.
  17. You can’t remember your pin number even though it’s been the same since you were 15.
  18. It takes three hours just to leave the house.
  19. Counting your baby’s bowel movements brings you great satisfaction.
  20. A trip around the supermarket without the baby feels like a spa vacation.
  21. Whilst on said trip you find yourself rocking the trolley back and forth in a soothing manner.
  22. You can’t remember the last time you consumed hot food.
  23. You regularly eat breakfast at 2pm.
  24. You often don’t have any hands free so you store objects in your cleavage, and then forget all about them.
  25. Being a hermit is your new occupation.
  26. If you threw out every item of your clothing that had been peed, shat or puked on you would be stark naked within two months.
  27. You start drinking iced tea because it tastes better than cold normal tea.
  28. You want to knock out the postman for ringing the doorbell 4 times in 30 seconds.
  29. Once baby is asleep you find you are capable of moving with stealth that a ninja would be proud of.
  30. Your husband arrives home from work and you want to throttle him …just because.
  31. ‘Me time’ takes a nose dive.
  32. You wait at pedestrian crossings until the green man shows instead of nipping across when there’s a break in the traffic.
  33. You go to bed at every opportunity, and usually only to sleep.
  34. You expected to add nappy, dummy, buggy to your new motherhood vocabulary – you didn’t think f*!k and s#*t would feature so prominently.
  35. There are major supply and demand issues in the bedroom.
  36. You pee when you laugh.
  37. Dinner consists of things that are not too messy if dropped on a baby’s head.
  38. You spend 99% of the time either moaning, crying or fantasising about your baby going to sleep.
  39. You make up words to the songs played by the baby’s swimg/bouncy chair.
  40. You feel a sense of accomplishment after showering.
  41. Even people who have children walk into your house these days and do a double take.
  42. You are so fatigued that you look longingly at hospitals
  43. 7am used to be considered early. Wow! 7am! That’s practically a lie-in now.
  44. Your husband becoming ill is just a big fat inconvenience. You’re a man down. It’s like he has become ill just to spite you.
  45. Your mail is piling up like snowdrifts on the hall table.
  46. Yesterday’s top is still out so you pop it on then realise once you’re out of the house that it has a trail of puke across its shoulder.
  47. You find yourself entwined in a nightly vigil of hovering, on tiptoe in the doorway of your baby’s nursery like a strange, eavesdropping, pyjama-clad FBI agent.
  48. You cry about everything, from Sudanese famine to running out of jam.
  49. You explain yourself to stick-thin sales assistants: “I’ve just had a baby” you tell them apologetically.
  50. You catch your mother in law using a breastpad as a drinks coaster.

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