Reports have confirmed that one exhausted mum has unwillingly given her Tom Ford lipstick and a Charlotte Tilbury eyeshadow palette to the cause of a few minutes’ peace.
Cronulla resident and full-time stay-at-home-mum Carla Ramsey had been desperate for a break after her teething baby had afforded her less sleep than a torture-victim the previous evening.
“After patting and shushing for so long that my mouth was drier than a man-gina, I’d finally gotten the red-cheeked monster… I mean youngster… down. I then took one minute to microwave my stone-cold cup of instant coffee, because even though it typically tastes like arse it was all I could manage.”
After one sip of the vile but necessary beverage, it dawned on Carla that her other child, two-year-old Abby, was no longer bingeing Bluey.
“Much like in a horror movie, in a home of toddlers the sound of silence is both unnerving and a sure sign that’s shit’s about to go very, very wrong.”
Though Carla had strong mother’s intuition that some bad behaviour was probably afoot in another room, it was the first time where someone wasn’t asking her for something, attached to her boob, pulling on her clothes, screaming or crying uncontrollably in at least 36 hours.
“The temptation to bask in the moment was even stronger than the coffee I was still dreaming about so I allowed myself five more minutes of pure, uninterrupted bliss.” Carla later explained to The MOTS Mail.
A reluctant Carla found Abby in the bathroom, amidst a scene that was reminiscent of a Year Twelve Muck-up Day, before society canceled fun.
Toilet paper had been unwound and thrown around the bathroom, expensive eye-shadow palettes were decorating the floor, nail polish had been used to paint the tiles and naturally lipstick covered 80% of Abby’s face and bathroom surfaces.
Carla did the only thing any self-respecting mum would do in this situation and pulled out her phone to take photos for Instagram, before using it to call David Frith Plumbing to see if they could extract the three Barbies that had been lodged in the toilet bowl.
“Sure, I would’ve preferred not to have my designer lipstick destroyed, but these are the silly, risks you take when your brain feels as mashed as the banana puree still coating the highchair and you haven’t had a shower in three days.” Carla said.
“Of course I should’ve known better. Every mother’s horror story begins with the phrase ‘I turned my back for two minutes’ but desperate people do desperate things.”
“It may have cost me almost $200 worth of makeup and yet-to-be-determined plumbing bills, but you can’t put a price on peace for a fatigued mum.”
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