The silly season is not-so-silly for mums who made a decision about what’s best for their babies but which royally screws them.
From the moment of conception, it’s heavily impressed upon mums-to-be that “breast is best” and formula is less desirable than eating a COVID-infected bat.
The MOTS Mail caught up with Heathcote local Tiffany Sharp to chat to her about the joys of breastfeeding.
“From day one it fucking sucked.” Tiffany told The MOTS Mail, “You’ve got two newbies with no idea what to do. You’re trying to shove nipples the size of cricket balls into a mouth the size of a ping-pong ball, with gums that are so tough they may as well be teeth, and half the time you’ve got an audience!”
Pregnant women are rarely informed of the realities of breastfeeding, which include being tethered to a brand new human who: cries at the drop of a hat; prefers to be settled by the parent they lived inside for 9 months; sometimes chooses ‘snacking’ over meals; and generally feeds on demand for a significant portion of their first year of life.
“I wasn’t warned that my boobs would feel like bowling balls and my nipples would hurt so much that soft singlets felt like sandpaper. Nor was I told about breast thrush or the mother of all MOFOs: Mastitis.” The Heathcote mum added.
Breastfeeding mums who’ve made the selfless choice to breastfeed are rewarded with the smack-in-the-face of anxiously watching their clock whenever they’re out, and sore, leaky boobs coupled with an exasperated partner and screaming baby if they don’t beat the clock.
So after four months of living in BONDS breastfeeding singlets and having her baby accompany her to every baby shower and ladies’ lunch as if he were a seeing eye-dog, Tiffany decided to chance leaving her infant son with her partner so that she could have a night out without having to pop a tit out.
“People react to formula like it’s a dirty word, so I’d been expressing an extra feed daily to ensure that my son could have his breast milk from the bottle when I went out.” She said.
Unfortunately, Tiffany’s practice attempts to feed her first-born from a bottle fell as flat as boobs that had already fed three kids.
“He rejected the bottle as if it were a second-hand condom.” She said.
“In the end, all I succeeded in doing was wasting time and milk, because the guidelines all say that if your baby doesn’t finish their feed of expressed milk, you have to bin it. It was more pointless than expensive lingerie.”
“It’s beyond thankless.” Said Tiffany, who’s now stuck at home for the 19th weekend in a row while her husband attends a Christmas party involving 27 holes of golf and 3 pubs.
“They have to tell you breastmilk is liquid gold and formula is the devil or else no one would bloody do it.”
When this reporter asked Tiffany if she had any final words to add on breastfeeding, she finished with “Yeah, Mastitis can EAD.”
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